What is the difference between love and desire?
Love and desire relate and conflict.
Love is: When you care, worry, feel responsible for someone. You want to minimize threats, reduce the distance, and nurture them.
Desire is: an expression of freedom and autonomy. Many can feel freer with people they are less emotionally involved in. Why do women like the bad boys? You don’t have to worry about him – don’t’ feel safe with him, but it’s freeing in terms of desire.
Sometimes the very care, worry, feeling of responsibility we feel for our beloved is what stifles the unselfconsciousness and freedom necessary for desire. What nurtures love is not necessarily what fuels desire and what turns us on sexually isn’t always what is emotionally safe.
But most long term relationships involve responsibility by design… indeed women find it much harder to give themselves the permission for pleasure, sometimes any pleasure such as sitting down when drinking their coffee. When they are organized around attending to the needs of others – kids and husbands -they can easily forego their own. The first need to go for some of these woman is sex.
Many women cannot sustain desire when the nurturing starts. We choose love over desire because that’s what we feel we should do. Men and women trade off the adventure for the predictability. They trade their erotic needs for security needs.
In a long term, committed relationship, how do love and desire coexist? It must be prioritized – which may require some counseling to get on the same page.
Then, Break the routine – what you talk about, activities, how you react to each other. Bring vitality back – shake things up! Fire needs air, couples need to fan the flame. How?
*read an erotic novel
*jump in the shower with him
*get her some sexy panties
*send a flirty text
*meet for a drink at a bar and pretend you don’t know each other
*take turns being the focus of attention during sex-wear a blindfold and let your fantasies free
*grab his butt when he’s grilling out.
All of this presumes one thing….that you want to prioritize your sexual relationship. If not, it’s a useless laundry list.