A good way to stay mired in a sexless relationship is keep talking about why sex is a problem and whose fault it is. Talking about why there is no sex doesn’t make people want sex. Talking about desire does not ignite it and analyzing the why’s of it all does no good either. It actually keeps you stuck and entrenched in that state.
Many couples believe that trying to change things starts with talking about “the problem” and since neither want to be “the problem” it predicts another sexless, resentful night.
It’s better to start by asking each partner to describe what it would look like if sex were happening the way they wanted. Often comments are “more play” and “more frequent””natural flow”. Any commonality in what is described (and usually there is something shared) begins to shift the mind from the problem to the possibility.
Asking the question “Can you think of a time you had together where you felt some of these wonderful sexual qualities” gets each partner to describe a time they were turned on by their partner and were open to sex. Describing the how and why of that turn on is a great way to incite a mind shift by recalling the senses involved in that memory – how he looked, what he was wearing, where were you, how did it make you feel?. Replacing the idea of a problem with a different picture. Asking each partner to close their eyes while the other describes this time can help to re-live it.
The goal is to replace blame and frustration with longing for that time again, connecting with the people they once were for each other. It can be a start on a different sexual relationship.
So if you are stuck in a nonexistent sexual reality, instead of talking and analyzing the problem, tell each other your wishes and ideal moments. One person tells the story and the other listens with their eyes closed listening to the erotic world of their partner.
Thus ideal memories of the past, can lead to a better sexual experience in the present.